Christmas at the In Laws

Often I feel that my loss is mine alone.  It has been devastating for me.  The truth is my loss was devastating for my mother who was there when my beloved wife died.  It was devastating for my wife’s family who lost a daughter, a sister and a friend.  It was devastating for my son who lost a mother and a confidante.  They are touched by this tragedy just as I am.

The trouble is my brain was traumatized by the incident in Acheson which left me struggling to come to grips with things I cannot control.  I am a control freak.

I say again I am a control freak.  Everything must be just so.  Zabrina’s death was not a planned for event.  Zabrina has bipolar and we all knew that the medication was very hard on her body and her heart.  We had even talked about death but not like this and definitely not so young.

Her death traumatized my controlled life and I did not process it well or properly.  I just went on to the next item in the schedule; a very poor practice as I have done to learn.  I lost my way in work not realizing that I was truly losing my way.

When I got into the truck accident in Acheson, I was suddenly burdened with the real truth.  I could not control everything and never could.  I was plunged back into processing her death.  I was suddenly broken and alone.

Now this broken spirit has to go meet my extended family and son and try not to lose control again.  I am filled with joy at seeing them and dread at the feelings it will bring up.  I am afraid I will be setback again; back to that airport in Denver all alone.  I will never be able to accurately describe the sheer terror of standing there.  There are no words.

I am leaving now.  Wish me luck...

Merry Christmas 

Stan