Traveling for Work

My job entails a lot of driving.  Until the incident in Acheson, I believed myself to be a careful, courteous and safe driver.  I had driven more than 280000 kms for my employer without incident over four years.  I had taken three driving courses to improve and hone my skills.  I had taken very good care of the two vehicles assigned to me.

Then...  BANG!!!!

I was re-ended at a stop light.  The hit was not horrifying but the timing was horrid.  The incident occurred on the one year anniversary of the tragic passing of my beloved wife.  I was devastated.  I was thrust back to standing in that airport in Denver destroyed by a phone call to inform me that my wife had died.  I had a horrifying panic attack.  

My job entails traveling for work and next week I have to travel in the depth of winter cold and I find myself struggling with anxiety over the trip.  I am a good driver with plenty of winter driving experience but I cannot drive for the other drivers.  

The trouble with anxiety is that it knows no bounds.  I find myself terrified about leaving my house for four days in the worst cold snap of the year.  My psychologist explains that because of the devastating things that have occurred throughout my life, my cortisol levels are very high.  My brain quickly goes to worst case scenario because that is what it knows.  My life has included a devastating total loss house fire, the tragic loss of my wife and best friend and the accident on the anniversary.  Doom is what my brain knows so that is where it goes.  My brain won’t shut off.  I am stuck stressing about the trip, my house, my ever present sorrow at the death of my wife and my terrifying fear of another panic attack.

The three panic attacks I have experienced have shown me more fear than I could ever explain.  I was beyond terrified.  My spirit was broken by the fear.  I never want those experiences again, ever!  

My cousin lost her mother a few years ago.  She informs me hat she had panic attacks for three years after the tragic loss.  I told my psychologist that my fear is that means about 25 more panic attacks for me.  25 more!!!  I am vibrating with fear at the thought.  Delusions of doom are a symptom of prolonged grief.  Having to endure that 25 more times is a horrifying thought.  

My psychologist suggests that I need to take a deifferent tact and say that I will need to have counselling for the three year period to talk through each event to remove its power rather than to simply say that I will be devastated for 25 more events.  Sage advice from someone who has helped me through this process.  I am grateful to have him for 6 more sessions.  

It is funny because I am giving three presentations to a room full of senior leaders in the company and it is not public speaking, a known terror for many that activates my anxiety, it is the drive and leaving my house.  Crazy.  

It is said that articulating your thoughts is helpful in forcing them out of your head.  I am terrified of the drive and of leaving my house with only minimal attention (someone will be checking on it twice a day).  There I said it for a second time.  

As a person of faith, I am praying for the protection of the house and on the drive.  I hope and pray for safety all around.

For all those who suffer from this level of anxiety, I pray for you too.  

A peaceful mind for you all.

Stan