I saw my psychologist on Thursday. We had a very interesting conversation about life, life events and their impact on the psyche. When something horrible happens, your fight or flight mentality kicks in. Adrenalin is produced at an alarming rate which is very closely followed by the production of noradrenaline. This is designed to stop the adrenalin and prevent a heart attack. After this, your body produces a drug called Cortisol. Cortisol is designed to more slowly regulate you back to baseline stress levels. It was a stimulating conversation.
I started talking about my history. I told him that my son was born with some difficulties and was in the NICU for eleven days with the likely outcome being death. He survived and is a wonderful twenty one year old today. The trouble is a super traumatic event like this one raises the baseline stress level higher and your body begins to produce Cortisol at an even higher resting rate.
I told him that my lovely wife suffered a stroke in 2002. She had to be transported to Edmonton by STARS air ambulance and once again, there was the impending belief that she was going to die. Massive adrenaline and noradrenaline production followed by a heightened Cortisol response. The baseline stress levels are increased. The body wakes up fearing impending doom. It has come to know it as a reality.
In 2004, my lovely wife was taken to Edmonton by ground ambulance suffering from a cardiac episode. Once again, she nearly died. Massive adrenaline and noradrenaline production followed by an increased level of Cortisol production once more. The body is designed for survival. At its core, it is a fight or flight machine. The body has these experiences and suddenly establishes this as the norm.
In 2006, my beloved family suffered a total loss house fire. I came home to find everything I worked my whole life to achieve burned in the fire. Although insured, we did not have replacement value and ended up with a larger mortgage, significant credit card debt and a years worth of trauma as we worked through the chaos. A year of heightened stress, heightened adrenalin, noradrenaline and cortisol production. The body begins to believe that impending doom is not only possible but probable. Doom is always just around the corner.
In 2008, the new house began to have heating issues. The boiler struggled with the hard water and would often quit leading to a significant freezing and a resultant huge bill. Doom had returned. Doom is everywhere. The body begins to believe that it is inevitable that something bad in going to happen.
I could continue and have tried a couple of times both in personal journaling and on caring bridge, a blogger site but took the posts down. It is tough to replay these messages in my mind. I am struggling with the fear of impending doom. Repeating history only reminds me that it is a real possibility.
Zabrina and I were introduced to journaling (blogging) by the LifeMark Institute and used the technique to chronicle her struggles with bi-polar disorder. I shared this with my psychologist on Thursday as he was curious about my stress history. He was further intrigued to learn that amongst all this chaos, my wife had been dealing with bipolar disorder. Another stressor that often ignited similar fight or flight responses. I chose to fight for my marriage. I loved her dearly. When you cling to something so tightly, you form an emotional connection at a hormonal (not sexual but bonding) level that is tribal and permanent in nature. I was bound to her in a way that I can never describe.
On October 18th, 2018, the greatest stressor of them all occurred. My wife Zabrina had suffered a terminal heart attack at the tender age of 46. I was in the airport in Denver on the way home from a business trip when I learned of the horror. The adrenaline production was through the roof. The resultant cortisol level has remain at an extreme level. Impending doom is around every corner. I had been to grief counselling and believed I was making progress towards a normal life. I thought I was on the right path.
On October 18th, 2019, on the way to Edmonton for a meeting, I was re-ended by another driver (described in a previous post). The trauma sent me right back to the Denver airport. Hell was all around me again! I was in my own personal hell. Adrenaline and noradrenaline production was so heightened. I was in tears as I reported the incident. My life was over! The cortisol levels, already heightened from a difficult path were suddenly starting every day believing that doom was coming. I never understood this chemical fact until my psychologist explained it to me. My body literally feels like something bad is going to happen all the time. It is a terrible feeling.
November 8, 2019 was my 51st birthday. It should be a positive event but for me it was the realization of a new reality. I am alone and could be alone for the next 40 years. It is a new sense of doom, wallowing in loneliness. There is an impending doom around every corner. I am terrified and terrorized by these feelings.
I have had two horrifying panic attacks since my birthday with a tremendous fear that another doom was about to occur. I live in constant fear that something I do will cause another cascade event. It is ever present.
I am surrounded by a good support group but even they are taxed by my struggles, one year after the event. I prolonged my deep grief by trying to work more as a coping mechanism and am now paying a horrible price. I am grieving a year late and my grief is amplified as a result.
I am working through this and want to thank everyone for their continued support.
Stan
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