Baby Steps

During a previous session with my psychologist, we discussed human growth and the development stages of the self.  

The steps are divided into four brain stages:

As a small child, you are operating in the brain stem.  Your brain is still developing and you are living an instinctual existence.  You are focused on breathing, digestion, and basic development.  The worst part is your reactions are purely emotional like crying and panic.

As your brain develops, thought moves into the cerebellum and you begin to develop movement, balance, appetite and othe somato sensory abilities.  

As your brain continues to develop, you enter the lambic system of the brain and you start to develop language, understand friendships and develop the seek reward driver that forms your teenage development.  

Only after these stages does the brain development move into the cortex which leads to planning, execution, logic, wisdom and self control.

Why is this important?  What does it have to do with the worries of a widower?  As I have come to understand, when you have a traumatic event and the death of a spouse is classified as the highest level stress driver possible, your brain reverts to primitive stages in development.  

As I came to realize that I was having mental health issues, as a scientific thinker I began to feverishly read everything I could to try to find a path out of my feelings of panic and disillusionment.  The trouble for that is my brain was not processing at that level.  As a victim of trauma, I was thrust back to the brain stem.  The comfort I needed and unfortunately still need is a warm bath, swaddled in the blankets in the bed with music playing or white noise.  I could not process even the most logical of theories about complicated grief.  I just needed comfort at that point.  I still do.

As I have come to realize through my psychologist, I can take some steps towards training my brain to reenter the cerebellum stage through walking, exercise and better sleep.  I look forward to that.  I am still not sleeping well. When you slept next to someone for 29 years, sleeping alone is very tough.  I am walking again.  The winter makes it hard but I try to get my 6000 steps in.  It does seem to help some.

I am not yet ready to enter the limbic stage.  I struggle to be alone.  I struggle to want to go out to be part of the group.  I literally have to force myself to do it.  I am definitely struggling to feed the beast - to live in the seeking rewards stage of teenage existence.  I am so strickened with anxiety that I cannot spend a cent.  I just want to curl up in that blanket and be baby-safe.  

I can see why so many depression sufferers get stuck there.  It is safe.  There is a comfort there. It is a damn struggle to get out to walk, exercise and begin to interact with others again.  

I pray that those who are strickened by the immense power of grief can move beyond the safety of home, bed and the blankets.  Seek help.  Get a psychologist.  There is life out there but getting out there is not an easy path and definitely not a straight line.  I had made significant progress and then I was in a vehicle accident on the one year anniversary of my wife’s passing and now I am stuck here trying to get passed my anxiety, the horrible relapse that is my depression and the safety of my home, my bed and the comfort of those blankets.  

It is not easy but you have to keep going.  I am trying but everyday is a struggle.  Every damn day!!!

Wishing everyone peace of mind, control of their anxiety and baby steps towards a return to the new normal.

God bless!!

Stan

Traveling for Work

My job entails a lot of driving.  Until the incident in Acheson, I believed myself to be a careful, courteous and safe driver.  I had driven more than 280000 kms for my employer without incident over four years.  I had taken three driving courses to improve and hone my skills.  I had taken very good care of the two vehicles assigned to me.

Then...  BANG!!!!

I was re-ended at a stop light.  The hit was not horrifying but the timing was horrid.  The incident occurred on the one year anniversary of the tragic passing of my beloved wife.  I was devastated.  I was thrust back to standing in that airport in Denver destroyed by a phone call to inform me that my wife had died.  I had a horrifying panic attack.  

My job entails traveling for work and next week I have to travel in the depth of winter cold and I find myself struggling with anxiety over the trip.  I am a good driver with plenty of winter driving experience but I cannot drive for the other drivers.  

The trouble with anxiety is that it knows no bounds.  I find myself terrified about leaving my house for four days in the worst cold snap of the year.  My psychologist explains that because of the devastating things that have occurred throughout my life, my cortisol levels are very high.  My brain quickly goes to worst case scenario because that is what it knows.  My life has included a devastating total loss house fire, the tragic loss of my wife and best friend and the accident on the anniversary.  Doom is what my brain knows so that is where it goes.  My brain won’t shut off.  I am stuck stressing about the trip, my house, my ever present sorrow at the death of my wife and my terrifying fear of another panic attack.

The three panic attacks I have experienced have shown me more fear than I could ever explain.  I was beyond terrified.  My spirit was broken by the fear.  I never want those experiences again, ever!  

My cousin lost her mother a few years ago.  She informs me hat she had panic attacks for three years after the tragic loss.  I told my psychologist that my fear is that means about 25 more panic attacks for me.  25 more!!!  I am vibrating with fear at the thought.  Delusions of doom are a symptom of prolonged grief.  Having to endure that 25 more times is a horrifying thought.  

My psychologist suggests that I need to take a deifferent tact and say that I will need to have counselling for the three year period to talk through each event to remove its power rather than to simply say that I will be devastated for 25 more events.  Sage advice from someone who has helped me through this process.  I am grateful to have him for 6 more sessions.  

It is funny because I am giving three presentations to a room full of senior leaders in the company and it is not public speaking, a known terror for many that activates my anxiety, it is the drive and leaving my house.  Crazy.  

It is said that articulating your thoughts is helpful in forcing them out of your head.  I am terrified of the drive and of leaving my house with only minimal attention (someone will be checking on it twice a day).  There I said it for a second time.  

As a person of faith, I am praying for the protection of the house and on the drive.  I hope and pray for safety all around.

For all those who suffer from this level of anxiety, I pray for you too.  

A peaceful mind for you all.

Stan

Christmas at the In Laws

Often I feel that my loss is mine alone.  It has been devastating for me.  The truth is my loss was devastating for my mother who was there when my beloved wife died.  It was devastating for my wife’s family who lost a daughter, a sister and a friend.  It was devastating for my son who lost a mother and a confidante.  They are touched by this tragedy just as I am.

The trouble is my brain was traumatized by the incident in Acheson which left me struggling to come to grips with things I cannot control.  I am a control freak.

I say again I am a control freak.  Everything must be just so.  Zabrina’s death was not a planned for event.  Zabrina has bipolar and we all knew that the medication was very hard on her body and her heart.  We had even talked about death but not like this and definitely not so young.

Her death traumatized my controlled life and I did not process it well or properly.  I just went on to the next item in the schedule; a very poor practice as I have done to learn.  I lost my way in work not realizing that I was truly losing my way.

When I got into the truck accident in Acheson, I was suddenly burdened with the real truth.  I could not control everything and never could.  I was plunged back into processing her death.  I was suddenly broken and alone.

Now this broken spirit has to go meet my extended family and son and try not to lose control again.  I am filled with joy at seeing them and dread at the feelings it will bring up.  I am afraid I will be setback again; back to that airport in Denver all alone.  I will never be able to accurately describe the sheer terror of standing there.  There are no words.

I am leaving now.  Wish me luck...

Merry Christmas 

Stan

Panic Attacks

I have had only a very small number of them; thank goodness.  I had one in November that left me crippled in fear of impending doom.  It still lingers to this day.  

Yesterday I met with my psychologist to discuss next steps in my care.  We talked openly about going to the dark places that terrorize my psyche and the tools to do so.  

I came home and explained the events of the session to my mother.  I went over to my house and was suddenly gripped with my third ever panic attack and the crippling fears that comes with these events.  I was soon sobbing on the bed screaming out that I had lost control again and that I was broken and so lost.  I was devastated and destroyed by the event.

I have not slept more than a few minutes throughout the night.  I am gripped by horrifying and irrational fears.  It terrifies me.  I have never been so lost.  I am barely holding it together.  

I pray each and every waking moment for a path back to control.  I have to find my way back.  I am only 51 years old.  

Help me, Lord!

Stan

Complicated Grief

There are several names for recognized grief disorders, including prolonged grief disorder and complicated grief disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) most recently added prolonged (complicated) grief disorder as an official psychiatric diagnosis, according to the Los Angeles Times, giving people suffering from debilitating grief a name for the disorder.

Prolonged Grief Disorder

Prolonged grief disorder affects some people more frequently than others. According to a paper published in the Oncology Nursing Forum, people who suffer from prolonged grief disorder often have a family history of the disorder. Women tend to suffer from prolonged grief disorder more often than men, though some men have the disorder as well. Typically, prolonged grief disorder is diagnosed at around six months after the causal traumatic event. This study also showed that African Americans are 2.5 times more likely to have the disorder.

Complicated Grief Disorder

Though the new psychiatric name for complicated grief disorder has been changed to prolonged grief disorder, the concept of complicated grief is still very appropriate. Research conducted by the Columbia University School of Social Work estimates that nearly 10 percent of all bereaved people develop complicated grief. This type of grief occurs when the normal feelings of grief after a traumatic event don’t begin to fade. Those suffering from complicated grief are in the same type of emotional pain months after an event as they were the day the trauma occurred.
The above was taken from psychguides.com and serves to reflect my continued research into why I cannot move forward, why things continue to hold me back and why I continue to feel a deep sense of impending doom.  I remain hopeful that someone has figured this out.  
Unfortunately grief is a deeply personal experience and has left me filled with depression and anxiety.  I am terrified and sad all the time.  I am not sleeping well often waking up to tears or a feeling of impending doom.  Recent articles have indicated that chronicling those feelings might prove helpful so I have started this blog to try to come to grips with my feelings.
I have had multiple devastating panic attacks with little or no basis in fact and I cannot seem to move past them.  They haunt my everyday existence as reminders of things that could happen crippling my ability to focus on other things.  My mind is often consumed with the elements of those panic attacks even if the facts do not support them as actual events.  I wish I could move past them.  I sincerely do.
I see my psychologist tomorrow and will certainly discuss my mind’s inability to accept the emperical evidence as fact choosing instead to focus on the visions in the panic attack as factual.  
I deeply hope no one else has to endure this reality.  It is a terrible place to exist and to try to navigate.  If you are here, seek help.  This is a difficult place to exist.
Stan

A New Word: Catastrophizing

I learned a new word yesterday:  Catastrophizing.  When negative thoughts are taken to the worst possible outcome, this is called Catastophizing.  Apparently this is a common symptom of Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD.

I am now being treated with an anti anxiety medication designed to treat Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  This is described as anxiety that persists for more than 6 months.

Today marks that 14 month anniversary of the death of my wife; the worst day of my life.  Today, like most other days I woke up stuck fearing for the worst.  It is so stressful to wake up in fear.  I have been working on my breathing exercises, the very basic of things a human can control.  It helps but not for long.

“Catastrophic thinking might seem extreme, even silly. But before we know it a situation we’re concerned about becomes a full-blown worst-case scenario.” - a paraphrased quote from psychcentral.com

This is my life now living with a sense of impending doom.  I have taken to prayer as a consolation and I am grateful to have spirituality as a stronghold when my fears overcome my thoughts.  I have been reading everything I can to try to find a solution.

I am working with my psychologist to try techniques like capturing the negative thoughts, putting them in a box and then storing them in a stronghold.  He suggested a C Can.  It has not been strong enough so far.  Things leak out.  Negative thoughts leak out.

I have recently returned to journaling as a coping mechanism.  Writing has been a passion of mine.  I used to do it for recreation writing fan fiction and science fiction but my recent anxiety has robbed me of my creativity so this is now my outlet.

I pray everyday that my mind returns to a state of normalcy.  I beg for it.  I hope it will come.

One of the posts I read recently suggested picking a theme song for this point in your life...

I have chosen, “The Man I Used To Be” by K-Os.

I hope to find him one day.

Stan

Delayed Grief

Doing some reading today, I learned that 13% of persons who experience a traumatic event suffer delayed grief.  This is to say they show signs of initial coping only to relapse days or even months later.

I took on many new tasks after my wife passed away.  I took new projects and traveled more working long hours believing that filling the void in my life was coping.  I have come to learn that this was a tragic mistake because it catapulted me into delayed grief.  I am part of the 13%.  

One of the key problems with delayed grief is that the feelings that were not properly dealt with only amplify and when they boil to the surface they become far worse.  I am not in a good place.  I am struggling to keep my emotional center and live in constant fear that something else bad is going to happen.

I have tried countless resources and read incessantly trying to find a path out of the darkness.  My colleagues see the change in me and have expressed their worry and concern but unfortunately this journey is mine.  I wish my friends, family and colleagues could pull me out of this.  I am sure they do to.  

I see my Counsellor on Monday and will discuss my despair some more.  I really want to be well but the delayed grief or grief relapse really has me down.  I am terrified for my long term health. I am 51.  There is lots of life left to live.

I hope I get a chance to live a normal life.

Stan