Baby Steps

During a previous session with my psychologist, we discussed human growth and the development stages of the self.  

The steps are divided into four brain stages:

As a small child, you are operating in the brain stem.  Your brain is still developing and you are living an instinctual existence.  You are focused on breathing, digestion, and basic development.  The worst part is your reactions are purely emotional like crying and panic.

As your brain develops, thought moves into the cerebellum and you begin to develop movement, balance, appetite and othe somato sensory abilities.  

As your brain continues to develop, you enter the lambic system of the brain and you start to develop language, understand friendships and develop the seek reward driver that forms your teenage development.  

Only after these stages does the brain development move into the cortex which leads to planning, execution, logic, wisdom and self control.

Why is this important?  What does it have to do with the worries of a widower?  As I have come to understand, when you have a traumatic event and the death of a spouse is classified as the highest level stress driver possible, your brain reverts to primitive stages in development.  

As I came to realize that I was having mental health issues, as a scientific thinker I began to feverishly read everything I could to try to find a path out of my feelings of panic and disillusionment.  The trouble for that is my brain was not processing at that level.  As a victim of trauma, I was thrust back to the brain stem.  The comfort I needed and unfortunately still need is a warm bath, swaddled in the blankets in the bed with music playing or white noise.  I could not process even the most logical of theories about complicated grief.  I just needed comfort at that point.  I still do.

As I have come to realize through my psychologist, I can take some steps towards training my brain to reenter the cerebellum stage through walking, exercise and better sleep.  I look forward to that.  I am still not sleeping well. When you slept next to someone for 29 years, sleeping alone is very tough.  I am walking again.  The winter makes it hard but I try to get my 6000 steps in.  It does seem to help some.

I am not yet ready to enter the limbic stage.  I struggle to be alone.  I struggle to want to go out to be part of the group.  I literally have to force myself to do it.  I am definitely struggling to feed the beast - to live in the seeking rewards stage of teenage existence.  I am so strickened with anxiety that I cannot spend a cent.  I just want to curl up in that blanket and be baby-safe.  

I can see why so many depression sufferers get stuck there.  It is safe.  There is a comfort there. It is a damn struggle to get out to walk, exercise and begin to interact with others again.  

I pray that those who are strickened by the immense power of grief can move beyond the safety of home, bed and the blankets.  Seek help.  Get a psychologist.  There is life out there but getting out there is not an easy path and definitely not a straight line.  I had made significant progress and then I was in a vehicle accident on the one year anniversary of my wife’s passing and now I am stuck here trying to get passed my anxiety, the horrible relapse that is my depression and the safety of my home, my bed and the comfort of those blankets.  

It is not easy but you have to keep going.  I am trying but everyday is a struggle.  Every damn day!!!

Wishing everyone peace of mind, control of their anxiety and baby steps towards a return to the new normal.

God bless!!

Stan

Traveling for Work

My job entails a lot of driving.  Until the incident in Acheson, I believed myself to be a careful, courteous and safe driver.  I had driven more than 280000 kms for my employer without incident over four years.  I had taken three driving courses to improve and hone my skills.  I had taken very good care of the two vehicles assigned to me.

Then...  BANG!!!!

I was re-ended at a stop light.  The hit was not horrifying but the timing was horrid.  The incident occurred on the one year anniversary of the tragic passing of my beloved wife.  I was devastated.  I was thrust back to standing in that airport in Denver destroyed by a phone call to inform me that my wife had died.  I had a horrifying panic attack.  

My job entails traveling for work and next week I have to travel in the depth of winter cold and I find myself struggling with anxiety over the trip.  I am a good driver with plenty of winter driving experience but I cannot drive for the other drivers.  

The trouble with anxiety is that it knows no bounds.  I find myself terrified about leaving my house for four days in the worst cold snap of the year.  My psychologist explains that because of the devastating things that have occurred throughout my life, my cortisol levels are very high.  My brain quickly goes to worst case scenario because that is what it knows.  My life has included a devastating total loss house fire, the tragic loss of my wife and best friend and the accident on the anniversary.  Doom is what my brain knows so that is where it goes.  My brain won’t shut off.  I am stuck stressing about the trip, my house, my ever present sorrow at the death of my wife and my terrifying fear of another panic attack.

The three panic attacks I have experienced have shown me more fear than I could ever explain.  I was beyond terrified.  My spirit was broken by the fear.  I never want those experiences again, ever!  

My cousin lost her mother a few years ago.  She informs me hat she had panic attacks for three years after the tragic loss.  I told my psychologist that my fear is that means about 25 more panic attacks for me.  25 more!!!  I am vibrating with fear at the thought.  Delusions of doom are a symptom of prolonged grief.  Having to endure that 25 more times is a horrifying thought.  

My psychologist suggests that I need to take a deifferent tact and say that I will need to have counselling for the three year period to talk through each event to remove its power rather than to simply say that I will be devastated for 25 more events.  Sage advice from someone who has helped me through this process.  I am grateful to have him for 6 more sessions.  

It is funny because I am giving three presentations to a room full of senior leaders in the company and it is not public speaking, a known terror for many that activates my anxiety, it is the drive and leaving my house.  Crazy.  

It is said that articulating your thoughts is helpful in forcing them out of your head.  I am terrified of the drive and of leaving my house with only minimal attention (someone will be checking on it twice a day).  There I said it for a second time.  

As a person of faith, I am praying for the protection of the house and on the drive.  I hope and pray for safety all around.

For all those who suffer from this level of anxiety, I pray for you too.  

A peaceful mind for you all.

Stan